


it won't always feel like this

by thisisnotwhatihadplanned



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, It ends on a hopeful note, Religion, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28053681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisnotwhatihadplanned/pseuds/thisisnotwhatihadplanned
Summary: it'd been months since jenna had held a tyler who was somewhere else entirely.
Relationships: Jenna Black/Tyler Joseph
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	it won't always feel like this

"you need to take a shower."

jenna could smell tyler from here, his hair was greasy, and he looked like he felt horrible. she was concerned.

"okay." he started toward their bedroom.

before, when tyler had stopped looking after his hygiene, it'd been depression. she feared it was coming back.

_

two hours later, tyler emerged from their bedroom, looking defeated and still greasy. he seemed out of it, and half of his face was red, like he'd fallen asleep. 

"what's happening, ty?"

_

"here." jenna swiped a soapy washcloth across his chest. gently, gently, she was washing him. sometimes, everyone needed a little help with things. why did tyler need hers now? 

"what's wrong?"

"sorry."

"why?" she stopped washing. 

"i don't know what's wrong."

"is it depression?"

"no."

tyler'd mentioned to her before that his illnesses shifted in form, like viruses mutating into something old antibiotics couldn't fight. they needed to change strategies. 

she voiced this possibility. 

he stilled her hands. 

"i, um, stop?" 

"sure." she gave him as much space as their shower could allow. 

"i shouldn't- you shouldn't have to deal with this, sorry." 

he yanked the washcloth from the bar and started scrubbing hard. harder, harder, harder. 

"tyler!, hey, let's get out and talk."

"this shouldn't be beating me anymore. i already won. i won. i won!" his fingernails scratched where he'd been scrubbing. 

it'd been months since jenna'd held onto a tyler who was somewhere else entirely. it hurt. it hurt, it hurt that she couldn't reach him in there, where his brain repeated awful, painful, untrue things over and over. 

she grabbed his left hand, preventing it from breaking skin. his other hand was in his hair, pulling. he wanted an escape; he tried to pull himself back out into the moment with pain. 

jenna shocked his system by pushing her cold metal waterbottle to his forearm. his eyes focused. 

"tyler."

"i'm embarassed."

"don't be, sweetie. is it intrusive thoughts?"

"yeah."

"are you going to hurt yourself?"

he looked angry at this, like he wanted to snap at her. but he just said "i don't know." 

he looked away. 

"i'm a bad person."

"no, you're one of the best people i know, okay?"

"then why do i want to hurt everything?"

"you don't. you hate those thoughts, they aren't things you want to think. they're just there in your head, they don't mean anything, they aren't punishments or "secret desires", they're just there." she'd been through this with him before. 

"i want to- i don't want to tell you."

"it might help if you do, it might help you see it's not true?" 

"i want to hit my head so hard it cracks. just so i can stop all of this. i want to cut off- i want to..." 

jenna adjusted her arm to lead tyler to their bed. 

"sit down."

he obeyed, robotically. she was losing him again. she moved the water bottle. 

she didn't know what to do. 

"are you okay if i go get something?" 

"i don't know."

"come with me, then." 

"i don't have clothes on." 

"let's get dressed."

jenna got dressed, and tyler stood there. she laid out a hoodie, underwear, and joggers. these were his favorites, comfortable and heavy. 

they didn't get to his hair, but that was the last thing on jenna's mind. 

"okay. let's go outside." 

at this point, all jenna could do was wait out the storm. the worst thoughts always passed, just like the rest did. nothing lasted forever. 

it was almost too cold outside, the breeze nipping at jenna's cheeks.

tyler loved being outside, in different circumstances. 

"what are you thinking right now?"

"i don't deserve this."

"what?" jenna wanted to be sure of what he was talking about. 

"you being nice, you. the house, my career, josh. i just think about hurting everyone, i think about killing myself and what that would do." he shook his head. 

jenna's stomach turned.

"do i need to call someone for help?"

"god, no. i'm sorry."

"well you need something to help."

"can we just sit?"

"okay."

"you know how when i was younger mom told me that it was because i didn't trust god?"

"yeah." jenna loved and hated her mother-in-law. no one was perfect. it was scary to see someone you love hurt himself. maybe she had been at a loss for words, the way jenna was now. at least she knew better than to say that. tyler obsessed over morality and god. he fixated on death. 

"maybe i don't. maybe i'm not saved?"

"do you still belive all that? i thought-"

"i don't know. i can't die now. i don't know. i don't know, jenna. are you saved? there's no way to know." 

jenna didn't want to have a religious conversation when tyler wasn't feeling safe. 

"remember what jeff said to do when you couldn't stop thinking about salvation?"

"yeah." he didn't miss the unanswered question, but he was too tired to argue. 

"wanna try that now?"

"okay."

their therapist recommended a fairly simple grounding activity, but it mostly worked. 

"five things you can see?"

"i can see you, the grass, our kitchen window, the fence, and the hose."

"i see you, the frost, our mailbox, the woods, and my shoes."

"hearing's next"

"i can hear my voice, um, the wind?" 

there was a long pause and tyler's fingers twitched. he was stopping an action. 

"what's wrong?"

"i can't even hear four things. i can't think of four things. it's too loud; i'm too-." 

"hold my hands." 

he squeezed hard.

jenna thought. 

"could you sing me tear in my heart? it might distract you, make things quieter."

"i don't want you to go to hell." 

"how long have the thoughts been this frequent?" 

"i don't know." when he was sick, tyler's favorite phrase was 'i don't know'. it was hard to push down the thoughts in order to think clearly. 

"guess."

"a week?"

"you need to call jeff. can i call him?"

tyler said nothing, so jenna pulled out her phone. he closed his eyes tight. 

_

"i'm so tired."

"i know."

"when is the appointment?"

"tomorrow at 9 am."

"i can't stop." tyler dug into his scalp harder. 

"hold my hands."

"i can't- help me stop."

jenna grabbed them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
